Tag Archives: sadness

Papa and Marie

 

A slam on the front door followed by heavy steps on the stairs woke me up in the middle of the night. I opened my eyes and I noticed Marie’s face close to mine with her arms wrapped around me. My gaze shifted from her hands to her nose, her lips and her eyelids; I imagined they were Mama’s. I covered my ears with both hands, closed my eyes and tucked myself closer to Marie. Doing this somehow made me feel safe for as long as I can remember.

Get out,” a low, dark voice echoed in the room. I tried to figure out who it was from but a bright beam of light blocked my sight.

Papa!” Marie’s short and weak scream startled me.

Realizing it was my father and not some alien from Ben10 calmed the mouse inside my chest. I got up from our bed and hugged him. But he was drenched in sweat and smelled like urine and I didn’t like the stench so I let go.

Get out and shut the door will ya?” Papa’s authoritative voice told me something was wrong for he only used that tone whenever Marie and I did something wrong. I glanced at Marie and she was hugging herself in the corner of the bed. Something is definitely not right.

I headed outside with my eyes half-opened. Before closing the door, Papa’s belt buckle dropped on the floor. I opened my right eye to see what’s going on.

CAN’T YOU FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS, BOY?”

I know better than to make him mad.

 

 

After a few minutes, the door shrieked opened and I quickly went inside while Papa wobbled out from the room. I ran straight to Marie.

What did Papa say?” I whispered.

Instead of answering back, Marie pulled me closer and fixed my hair. Then she ran her hands through my face and kissed me on the cheek and then on my forehead. Drops of tears fell from her eyes to her cheek.

She has always been so emotional. She was crying and I didn’t understand why.

 

 

Writer’s Note: Prompt idea from Yeah Writers!: Write about a tragedy as seen from a young child’s eyes. 

Broken

You want to know what’s going on? Do you really want to know? Her heart pounded so loud she had to yell to hear herself. The nerves inside Amanda burned and her knees grew weak as she tried to stand up once again using the bedroom wall to support her.

He surveyed the place. Clothes scattered everywhere, broken glasses on the carpet. On the bed sat her luggage, half-full. The room smelled like cigarettes and cheap wine. The humid summer air intensified the heat that was already building up.

Dear, you know I am always here for you. Come sit down and tell me about it so I can help you, the man in a well-pressed satin tuxedo said as he took another step near her.

Stop. Just stop your mind games already.

What’s going on love? Don’t you know that I care?

He stared at her with such compassion. His bright blue eyes piercing through her weary heart. She stopped herself from hugging him when he came closer and pressed his face close to hers.

I told you to stop didn’t I? Breathing heavily, Amanda pushed the man with all her might but was unable to move him. The second time she tried was just as useless as the first. He was too strong, too composed, too superior.

I’ll tell you what’s going on. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on!  —- I love you!

She was shocked on how the sound reverberated through the room. On a split second she wished she could catch the words that came out and suck them back in.

But it was too late. All she could do was take her chance, say her piece as he stood still – surprised.

Yes I love you. But I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

He backed down a few steps. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to respond.

Do you even realise how much I want you? Do you even have the slightest idea of what you do to me? Every time I hear your voice my heart melts and I just want to throw myself in your arms and be yours completely. Do you even consider that? Of course you do. If you are not clueless, not cruel, not judgmental, not assuming. If you feel the same way as me, of course that would have crossed your mind. But that would be impossible.

You are not worth it. I won’t let you hurt me again. My happiness will not depend on you.

Every morning I tell myself these. Yet every night I still think about you, forgetting what I lectured myself that day. And I feel like a total idiot. For only an idiot has the capacity to still hope and love an insensitive person that doesn’t even look at her.

You say you care for me but I don’t want you to only care! I want you to love me! You say that you’ll be there for me. But you tell that to every single person you know! I want to be special. I want to be different from the rest. And it sucks knowing that I’ll never be. It sucks knowing that I am nowhere near special to you. It sucks that even though I can give up anything just to be with you, you would not dare do the same. You only see me as some random person you know while I refer to you as the most important person in my life. Can you see the big difference?

I don’t want to love you. I hate myself for even loving you this way! Considering the person that you are. Considering the situation that we are in, considering the circumstances, considering everything! How could I ever love you? I could not possibly love you! Loving you should be hard and impossible.

You and I are full of impossibilities, you know that? And that hurts like shit.

Now, what else do you want? If you can’t love me just leave me alone and stay away from me! I don’t want to hope anymore and you’re making it so hard with all your flowery words! 

 She wished hard he won’t listen.

Leave! Leave me alone!

She wished she could give him reasons to stay.

He stood up in the corner of that poignant room without saying anything. He fixed his suit, conscious that she was watching  him. He anchored a glare out the window and didn’t move for a long time.

Amanda didn’t expect that this man would comfort her or wipe away her tears. She did not assume that he’d love her back. She didn’t expect it all, but damn she hoped!

Standing as proud as a king in control, the man finally glanced at her as he said in a calm but authoritative voice,

I’m surprised I was able to stand all that drama.

And left.

 

The Wanderer

Like a wanderer I walk as if I don’t know where I am headed to. And I am sad. Yes I am sad. For I don’t belong anywhere. I have no place to go for comfort and solace or somewhere to sleep for a quite night.   I don’t have any one to call and share a meal with.  Sometimes I do feel like I’m lost in a familiar place.

I am alone and lonely. I am  in search for something, or someone, or of people.

All I want is a place where folks smile at me sincerely. All I ask is a friend to care for me genuinely. All I need is a mate who exclusively loves me like no other. All I want is a companion who can physically be there for me when I need a hug, a laugh, a good story or a drink.

Am I the only one in the entire face of the Earth who doesn’t have someone to call “best friend”? Pathetic isn’t it? I don’t know the feeling of  knowing you have at least someone to run to when everything feels like a mess.

You know, someone you can call any time without worrying of disturbing or bothering them because you are sure that you’re not. And even if you are, it doesn’t matter. That person, who gives you advice, slaps you when you’ve done something stupid, dances with you, watches TV with you, tags you along and never forgets you.

You know, someone who never stops caring, no matter what happens and no matter how many years had passed. And that place where it feels like home, making you want to stay forever.

But I haven’t found that person. I haven’t found that place. And I am sad. Yes I am sad, for like any wanderer nobody wants me. People look at me, they greet me, give me a drink and then leave me. There’s nothing to do but go on with my journey. I don’t stay in one place very long. But deep in my heart I wish to stop walking, stop searching and just, rest ; find a home and wander no more.

Ah, that would be bliss.