The day that I’m going to finally see you scares me and excites me at the same time. Every heavy step will pull me closer to you. I will think of all my dark secrets, all the bad things I did, every rule I broke. I am filthy. And you are…holy. High and mighty. My mouth will utter one word over and over, and over and over – “Sorry.” Quickly, you’ll run to hug me! As you place a jewel on my head you’ll lift my chin up, look deep into my eyes and whisper, “Welcome home my child, my princess.”
A magnetic force draws the bouquet of red and white roses as it land between my palms. Pastel gowns stitched to screaming ladies encircle me. I force a weak smile.
Looking over my shoulder I catch a sight of the happy couple with the woman sitting comfortably next to a man in the middle of the room. They look like royalties straight from your favourite fairy tale. She is wearing the most beautiful white dress I have ever seen in my life. The man, on the other hand, undoubtedly looks handsome in his cream tuxedo. I always thought neutral colours look good on him.
He looks at the woman so mesmerized. He wraps his arms around her;He smiles at her so sweetly; He holds her closer when she tries to let go. Soon, they are holding hands, glaring at each other’s eyes, humming to each other’s ears.
Warm water starts to form under my eyes, my vision becoming hazy. I begin to sense a big lump at the back of my throat. There is growing tension on my fingers while I continue to stare. My heart is beating faster and it gets harder to breathe. The thorns squeeze to my skin, piercing through every vein. But my fingers grip it tighter, refusing to let go of the pain.
All of a sudden, my legs slowly step backwards. It starts with a few hesitant movement, then it caught a pace…striding away from the crowd, running…fast.
I demand for my legs to quit fooling around and turn back before I do something even more embarrassing. I want to stop! But my limbs and muscles are not cooperating as they continue to humiliate me. My eyes are not listening either – leaving tracks of tears along the pathway.
This celebration is a stab on the back. It is a culmination of the things we were supposed to be, planned to be and meant to be.
A ceremony with flowers, white veils, rings and vows is supposed to be magical. But not this time. Not for me.
I can’t get the scene out of my head.
He looks at the woman so mesmerized. He used to glare at me the same. He wraps his arms around her. He protected me under the same might. He smiles at her so sweetly. He used to kiss me tenderly. He holds her closer when she tries to let go. His biggest fear used to be losing me.
‘What makes her so much better than me? What makes her just everything that I can never be? What makes her his every dream and fantasy? Because I can remember when it was me.’