Tag Archives: love story

Imaginary

searching_narrativesofadreamer.wordpress Longing for that someone you thought understood you best.

She was your best friend, your knight in shining armor, your guardian, your companion, adviser, confidant, brother and sister, fairy godmother, rolled into one!

She was made of everything from your check list and none of your disappointments.  She’s sweet, thoughtful, romantic, caring, smart, good-looking, artistic, drives a nice car, and plays the guitar.

She knew your friends, your dreams, your likes and dislikes. She even knew your fears. During your lowest lows, she was there. Believing that she’s on your side comforted you for years.

She made you feel truly happy.

And truly loved.

But then there was this thing called ‘growing up’. And terms like ‘being matured’, and even ‘moving on’.

And all of a sudden, she was. Gone.

 

You could have been good friends until the end, but life  taught you she doesn’t exist.

And you searched for her. And you longed for her every day.

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Going Home

The day that I’m going to finally see you scares me and excites me at the same time. Every heavy step will pull me closer to you. I will think of all my dark secrets, all the bad things I did, every rule I broke. I am filthy. And you are…holy. High and mighty.  My mouth will utter one word over and over, and over and over – “Sorry.” Quickly, you’ll run to hug me! As you place a jewel on my head you’ll lift my chin up, look deep into my eyes and whisper, “Welcome home my child, my princess.”

When You Choose Pain Anyway

(Date: October 20,2011)
 
choosing pain
 
Who said that life is fair? Where is that written?

One can’t simply ask for everything because they know they deserve it. Just because one demands for it doesn’t mean they can have it. You can’t just tell someone you love them and expect a “sweeping off the feet” moment. You have to change your fairy tales.

It doesn’t always work that way. For most part, even if you have mustered all the courage, swallowed your pride, and put yourself vulnerable by telling them how you feel, it’s still isn’t enough. You can’t force someone to love you back just because you became daring Emma Watson all of a sudden!

Love is, felt and given freely. You don’t have to beg for it.

Funny thing is, you know ALL about these but you. just. won’t. listen!

You want to get away from it, but you can’t. You thought you were over it, but you’re wrong. The only thing that you can do is pray that somehow, someday you find the strength to do the right things. Those that you are fully aware of from the beginning.

But why can’t you do it?

Maybe because every time you feel like breaking away, something or someone gives you a false reason to go back, to hope, to hold on. Maybe you run to that wrong person because you keep on remembering that once in your life you thought they’re the right one. Maybe you’re dreaming that if they only know how much you love them, if only they’d listen, maybe you can both be courageous and take the risk together. But the next thing you know, you’re back to that same pit you were once before.

Worst part?

They’ve moved on a long time ago and you’re just stuck there where they left you. Maybe they’ve already found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with while you sulk in your pathetic universe.

But isn’t that always the case? You love the ones that don’t love you but hurt that ones that do. You ignore the ones that adore you and adore the ones that ignore you.

How many times do you have to get hurt before you learn to let go of things that are not for you?

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I want Sunday afternoons with you. We’ll sit by the river and watch the sun descend slowly on the horizon. The moon and stars will come out and join us. But instead of trailing back home you’ll rest your head on my lap and clutch my hands. You’ll stare at me. I’ll stare back. We’ll laugh. And kiss… Or we could just sit in silence. Lost. Gone somewhere else. Strangers catching a glimpse of each other. I’ll look at you longer than I’m allowed to. To study your eyebrows, your cheeks, your teeth. Preserved, for when you are gone again.

Broken

You want to know what’s going on? Do you really want to know? Her heart pounded so loud she had to yell to hear herself. The nerves inside Amanda burned and her knees grew weak as she tried to stand up once again using the bedroom wall to support her.

He surveyed the place. Clothes scattered everywhere, broken glasses on the carpet. On the bed sat her luggage, half-full. The room smelled like cigarettes and cheap wine. The humid summer air intensified the heat that was already building up.

Dear, you know I am always here for you. Come sit down and tell me about it so I can help you, the man in a well-pressed satin tuxedo said as he took another step near her.

Stop. Just stop your mind games already.

What’s going on love? Don’t you know that I care?

He stared at her with such compassion. His bright blue eyes piercing through her weary heart. She stopped herself from hugging him when he came closer and pressed his face close to hers.

I told you to stop didn’t I? Breathing heavily, Amanda pushed the man with all her might but was unable to move him. The second time she tried was just as useless as the first. He was too strong, too composed, too superior.

I’ll tell you what’s going on. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on!  —- I love you!

She was shocked on how the sound reverberated through the room. On a split second she wished she could catch the words that came out and suck them back in.

But it was too late. All she could do was take her chance, say her piece as he stood still – surprised.

Yes I love you. But I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

He backed down a few steps. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to respond.

Do you even realise how much I want you? Do you even have the slightest idea of what you do to me? Every time I hear your voice my heart melts and I just want to throw myself in your arms and be yours completely. Do you even consider that? Of course you do. If you are not clueless, not cruel, not judgmental, not assuming. If you feel the same way as me, of course that would have crossed your mind. But that would be impossible.

You are not worth it. I won’t let you hurt me again. My happiness will not depend on you.

Every morning I tell myself these. Yet every night I still think about you, forgetting what I lectured myself that day. And I feel like a total idiot. For only an idiot has the capacity to still hope and love an insensitive person that doesn’t even look at her.

You say you care for me but I don’t want you to only care! I want you to love me! You say that you’ll be there for me. But you tell that to every single person you know! I want to be special. I want to be different from the rest. And it sucks knowing that I’ll never be. It sucks knowing that I am nowhere near special to you. It sucks that even though I can give up anything just to be with you, you would not dare do the same. You only see me as some random person you know while I refer to you as the most important person in my life. Can you see the big difference?

I don’t want to love you. I hate myself for even loving you this way! Considering the person that you are. Considering the situation that we are in, considering the circumstances, considering everything! How could I ever love you? I could not possibly love you! Loving you should be hard and impossible.

You and I are full of impossibilities, you know that? And that hurts like shit.

Now, what else do you want? If you can’t love me just leave me alone and stay away from me! I don’t want to hope anymore and you’re making it so hard with all your flowery words! 

 She wished hard he won’t listen.

Leave! Leave me alone!

She wished she could give him reasons to stay.

He stood up in the corner of that poignant room without saying anything. He fixed his suit, conscious that she was watching  him. He anchored a glare out the window and didn’t move for a long time.

Amanda didn’t expect that this man would comfort her or wipe away her tears. She did not assume that he’d love her back. She didn’t expect it all, but damn she hoped!

Standing as proud as a king in control, the man finally glanced at her as he said in a calm but authoritative voice,

I’m surprised I was able to stand all that drama.

And left.