Tag Archives: lost love

Wednesday in Vain

It was Wednesday night and he has never been so nervous in his life. He has reserved a table for two in the best Italian restaurant in the city. He arrived much earlier than expected. It’s great that the place didn’t have the usual crowd they have on a Friday or Saturday evening.  The view of the mystical moon kissing the calm ocean in the background made the scene more romantic.

He looked around and there she is – smiling in the lobby, waving at him. He answered back with a tensed smirk.

She wore a little black dress that complimented her features very well. Tinting her face with nothing but a hint of red on the lips, she looked younger, vibrant and sultry at the same time. The natural curl of her hair swayed with the cool night breeze as she walked to him.

She has a pair of pink ballerina flats to complete her look. Despite her petite stature, she was never really comfortable wearing high heels. She’s that one girl in class who stood out for having the most awkward walk on anything above two inches.

He could not help but chuckle.

Poised as always, she strut to the table near the terrace, catching attention from everyone. She got heads turning and jaws dropping; tables went silent and eyes ran down her spine as she passed by.

After three long years, he’s glad she stayed the same– sweet and bubbly, strong but fragile, opinionated and confident. She’s the girl he always wanted and loved for so long. And tonight, he was going to tell her. Finally.

He was practicing his lines when suddenly the figure he was staring at started fading, spinning next. He closed his eyes, rubbed it hastily and opened it again. It was not helping at all. Everything was blurry and moving in a fast circular motion.

Is this the effect of the Enzo Boglietti wine I ordered earlier? It couldn’t be. I swear I had no more than two sips.

His head felt heavy and anywhere he looked, everything and everyone was spinning uncontrollably. He tried to keep his eyes wide and searched for her as the image blended in with the people.

Trying to stand and clear his mind, he raised his left hand and looked at his watch. It was 11:11 pm. A tad dizzy, he looked again, half expecting he was just imagining. He tried the hardest to regain his presence of mind.

Liar, he thought.

“Wednesday for sure,” her angelic voice echoed in his head the same time he remembered the feeling of excitement and happiness associated with  those words. I promise I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

A week has passed after she made that promise. He closed and opened his eyes again.

“Liar,” aloud this time.

Reaching for his back pocket, his fingers felt the slim side of his phone. A familiar number appeared on the screen after he pressed one on speed dial. His ears laid  closely against the phone. He put it down, pressed one and listened again.

He repeated this three times but to no avail.

Breathing deeply, he dragged himself outside the door. Acting as if he was not intoxicated enough, he resigned to the nearest bar two blocks away. Inside, he pulled a stool, sat with a slouch and stared at the collection of alcohol in front of him.

“What’s for ya?”  The man behind the bar asked.

Give me anything,” he replied, showing no interest.

The band on the lounge started playing One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer. Damn, that’s exactly was he’s going to have this “splendid” Wednesday night!

“Night’s great to cel’brate don’t ya think? The bartender handed him his drink.

He gulped one shot and shouted, “Yes, we are going to celebrate my heart’s foolishness at its best tonight!”

One bourbon, one scotch, one beerWell I ain’t seen my baby since I don’t know when. I’ve been drinking bourbon, whiskey, scotch and ginGonna get high man I’m gonna get loose, need me a triple shot of that juiceGonna get drunk don’t you have no fearI want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer”



You want to know what’s going on? Do you really want to know? Her heart pounded so loud she had to yell to hear herself. The nerves inside Amanda burned and her knees grew weak as she tried to stand up once again using the bedroom wall to support her.

He surveyed the place. Clothes scattered everywhere, broken glasses on the carpet. On the bed sat her luggage, half-full. The room smelled like cigarettes and cheap wine. The humid summer air intensified the heat that was already building up.

Dear, you know I am always here for you. Come sit down and tell me about it so I can help you, the man in a well-pressed satin tuxedo said as he took another step near her.

Stop. Just stop your mind games already.

What’s going on love? Don’t you know that I care?

He stared at her with such compassion. His bright blue eyes piercing through her weary heart. She stopped herself from hugging him when he came closer and pressed his face close to hers.

I told you to stop didn’t I? Breathing heavily, Amanda pushed the man with all her might but was unable to move him. The second time she tried was just as useless as the first. He was too strong, too composed, too superior.

I’ll tell you what’s going on. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on!  —- I love you!

She was shocked on how the sound reverberated through the room. On a split second she wished she could catch the words that came out and suck them back in.

But it was too late. All she could do was take her chance, say her piece as he stood still – surprised.

Yes I love you. But I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

He backed down a few steps. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to respond.

Do you even realise how much I want you? Do you even have the slightest idea of what you do to me? Every time I hear your voice my heart melts and I just want to throw myself in your arms and be yours completely. Do you even consider that? Of course you do. If you are not clueless, not cruel, not judgmental, not assuming. If you feel the same way as me, of course that would have crossed your mind. But that would be impossible.

You are not worth it. I won’t let you hurt me again. My happiness will not depend on you.

Every morning I tell myself these. Yet every night I still think about you, forgetting what I lectured myself that day. And I feel like a total idiot. For only an idiot has the capacity to still hope and love an insensitive person that doesn’t even look at her.

You say you care for me but I don’t want you to only care! I want you to love me! You say that you’ll be there for me. But you tell that to every single person you know! I want to be special. I want to be different from the rest. And it sucks knowing that I’ll never be. It sucks knowing that I am nowhere near special to you. It sucks that even though I can give up anything just to be with you, you would not dare do the same. You only see me as some random person you know while I refer to you as the most important person in my life. Can you see the big difference?

I don’t want to love you. I hate myself for even loving you this way! Considering the person that you are. Considering the situation that we are in, considering the circumstances, considering everything! How could I ever love you? I could not possibly love you! Loving you should be hard and impossible.

You and I are full of impossibilities, you know that? And that hurts like shit.

Now, what else do you want? If you can’t love me just leave me alone and stay away from me! I don’t want to hope anymore and you’re making it so hard with all your flowery words! 

 She wished hard he won’t listen.

Leave! Leave me alone!

She wished she could give him reasons to stay.

He stood up in the corner of that poignant room without saying anything. He fixed his suit, conscious that she was watching  him. He anchored a glare out the window and didn’t move for a long time.

Amanda didn’t expect that this man would comfort her or wipe away her tears. She did not assume that he’d love her back. She didn’t expect it all, but damn she hoped!

Standing as proud as a king in control, the man finally glanced at her as he said in a calm but authoritative voice,

I’m surprised I was able to stand all that drama.

And left.


Dreaming with a Broken Heart

Crying. Screaming. The sound of her voice awaken her.

It was two in the morning and she’s having these nightmares again. Half awake, half-asleep she tried to separate the real from the dream.

Still sobbing, she refused to open her eyes as thoughts of him haunted her yet again.

She missed him beside her. She missed waking up cradled in his arms ; missed the way he patiently and lovingly calms her after every bad dream; how he whispers and assures her that it was just another imagination. She missed how he says nothing can harm her as long as he is with her. That idea comforts her as she falls back to sleep.

She cried for all the memories – for it was all that was left.

Finally getting the courage to open her eyes, she searched for him. But he’s already gone; nowhere to be found. For the first time in months, her heart ached and bled again. And oh how she felt the pain!

Not letting herself be consumed by the moment, she uttered a question in the silence of that dark room. “Is he for real?”

“Is he for real?”, she expected an answer. “Or was it only just a dream?” Tears fell down her cheeks.

She stood still for hours;staring at the blackness of the winter skies.

The cold, shivering wind blowing from her window stirred her up from a lonely melancholy. Dragging herself back to bed, she grasped her blanket – covered herself  like the cloth can protect her from the coldness she was feeling. She closed her eyes and went back to sleep – with high hopes that the sun is going to shine for her when she wakes up.. and maybe then, she’d finally see the light and feel the warmth she’s been longing for so long.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.