Tag Archives: confession

Broken

You want to know what’s going on? Do you really want to know? Her heart pounded so loud she had to yell to hear herself. The nerves inside Amanda burned and her knees grew weak as she tried to stand up once again using the bedroom wall to support her.

He surveyed the place. Clothes scattered everywhere, broken glasses on the carpet. On the bed sat her luggage, half-full. The room smelled like cigarettes and cheap wine. The humid summer air intensified the heat that was already building up.

Dear, you know I am always here for you. Come sit down and tell me about it so I can help you, the man in a well-pressed satin tuxedo said as he took another step near her.

Stop. Just stop your mind games already.

What’s going on love? Don’t you know that I care?

He stared at her with such compassion. His bright blue eyes piercing through her weary heart. She stopped herself from hugging him when he came closer and pressed his face close to hers.

I told you to stop didn’t I? Breathing heavily, Amanda pushed the man with all her might but was unable to move him. The second time she tried was just as useless as the first. He was too strong, too composed, too superior.

I’ll tell you what’s going on. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on!  —- I love you!

She was shocked on how the sound reverberated through the room. On a split second she wished she could catch the words that came out and suck them back in.

But it was too late. All she could do was take her chance, say her piece as he stood still – surprised.

Yes I love you. But I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

He backed down a few steps. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to respond.

Do you even realise how much I want you? Do you even have the slightest idea of what you do to me? Every time I hear your voice my heart melts and I just want to throw myself in your arms and be yours completely. Do you even consider that? Of course you do. If you are not clueless, not cruel, not judgmental, not assuming. If you feel the same way as me, of course that would have crossed your mind. But that would be impossible.

You are not worth it. I won’t let you hurt me again. My happiness will not depend on you.

Every morning I tell myself these. Yet every night I still think about you, forgetting what I lectured myself that day. And I feel like a total idiot. For only an idiot has the capacity to still hope and love an insensitive person that doesn’t even look at her.

You say you care for me but I don’t want you to only care! I want you to love me! You say that you’ll be there for me. But you tell that to every single person you know! I want to be special. I want to be different from the rest. And it sucks knowing that I’ll never be. It sucks knowing that I am nowhere near special to you. It sucks that even though I can give up anything just to be with you, you would not dare do the same. You only see me as some random person you know while I refer to you as the most important person in my life. Can you see the big difference?

I don’t want to love you. I hate myself for even loving you this way! Considering the person that you are. Considering the situation that we are in, considering the circumstances, considering everything! How could I ever love you? I could not possibly love you! Loving you should be hard and impossible.

You and I are full of impossibilities, you know that? And that hurts like shit.

Now, what else do you want? If you can’t love me just leave me alone and stay away from me! I don’t want to hope anymore and you’re making it so hard with all your flowery words! 

 She wished hard he won’t listen.

Leave! Leave me alone!

She wished she could give him reasons to stay.

He stood up in the corner of that poignant room without saying anything. He fixed his suit, conscious that she was watching  him. He anchored a glare out the window and didn’t move for a long time.

Amanda didn’t expect that this man would comfort her or wipe away her tears. She did not assume that he’d love her back. She didn’t expect it all, but damn she hoped!

Standing as proud as a king in control, the man finally glanced at her as he said in a calm but authoritative voice,

I’m surprised I was able to stand all that drama.

And left.

 

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Hate List

I hate it when you care so much you know you’d do anything for someone.
It hurts when you know for sure they wouldn’t do the same for you.
I hate it when I try to please you.
I hate whenever I try so hard to make you laugh.
I hate that I’m happy when you’re happy.
I hate how you make me smile.
I hate it when I get jealous of the people who hold you dear,
because for once, they held my world.
I hate it when I refer to you as my world.
I hate it when I correct myself.
I hate it when I try to control these feelings but fail.
I hate it when I even try.
I hate it when I over think.
I hate how everyone says I should use my brain,
when my brain listens to my heart.
I hate the feeling when you’re around.
No matter how I tried to forget and move on,
you always have a way to pull me back. I hate that.
But you know what I hate the most? You.
I hate that you don’t want me, when all I ever wanted was you.
I hate that you don’t know any of the things I hate.
You don’t even care.